A Discworld Mary Sue
by Aman'mai
Summary: Ok, so you all know the current MS plague gripping all of Fanfiction at this very moment, yes? Well this is how a girl tries to convert Discworld to her hideous machinations and... well, you'll have to read on to find out. ;)
1. In The Beginning Was The Canon

A Discworld Mary Sue.

           A/N: Hoom, a little fun I thought might be interesting to those who know about the common Mary Sue plague gripping Fanfiction at this very moment. Read on and see canon payback the factor that has caused it's mangled state.

           Yes, I know it's a shortish chapter but I just wanted a little introduction to her before I went into her "adventures". Jheejhee.

*************************************

A terror of terrors has arisen in the night . . .

Something from another dimension not even wizards dare to go . . .

It sat up from its sprawled horizontal position, grumbling displeasure.

It's mouth gabbled at the air silently before it said: 

"Ow."

************************************

The librarian was swinging happily past the shelves, organizing and reorganising the books and scrolls, seemingly piled in no order whatsoever. He stopped a moment high above the Amphora section and looked down at a figure groaning on the floor, he began to drop down, using his powerful arms to swing him between the bookshelves.

           Glancing at his uninvited guest, the primate wondered about the creature's capability to cause harm to his precious books.

           He classified it as human and decided to sling it over his shoulders and take it out pf harm's way; humans in his opinion were not the diplomatic and rational type.

           Whistling to himself, the orang-a-tang lurched lopsidedly towards the fuzzy grey light at the end of the aisle.

           Obviously, he didn't know how lucky he was that the girl slumped over his hairy shoulder was not completely awake.

************************************

Ruby opened her eyes slowly to see a wide-eyed old man an inch away from her nose.

           "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

           "Oh, my. I don't think she's from the dungeon dimensions if she screams like _that_," murmured the man stepping back from the hysterical girl.

           The assembled wizards cautiously moved towards the door.

           "Perhaps, she would like some time to settle down?" whispered the Bursar.

           The wizards moved as one out of the door as the girl sat up, looked at them in silence for a moment, and started to shriek again.

           Ridcully turned back to the room that held the girl with the earth-shattering yell, who was as yet unaware of the lack of audience. Gradually, he closed the door and turned the key in the lock and listened for a few minutes until the screaming stopped. But then winced as the girl threw herself at the door once again, yelling for all she was worth.

           "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Lemme outta herrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!" Ruby flung herself at the door, pounding hard with her fists.

*************3 hours later******************

Ruby sat with her back against the door, exhausted. Sighing she rose and walked to the open window and looked out.

           _Strange_, she thought_, why didn't I notice this was only a little way off the ground before?_

           As gracefully as she could, she leapt from the sill . . . and fell.

           Tumbling, head over heels in the air, she noted that usual rules of gravity didn't seem to apply to where she was, as she rocketed past a bowl of very surprised looking petunias.

           _What? But the ground was only . ._ . she lost the end of that thought as she saw the world rushing up to meet her. She squeezed her eyes shut tight and hoped for a miracle.

*************************************

            Rincewind the poor, in-adept wizard of Unseen University was trying to open the door without using the handle . . . just to practice his magic, of course. _Nothing to do with the fact that the door didn't have any handle to open it with, of course_, he reflected angrily. He was perfectly able to open the door by himself. _With magic too_. _Damn . . ._

           A bolt of magical energy rebounded off the door and streaked between Rincewind's floating hat and ducked head, landing upon an innocent butterfly beside a novice's bench.

           The butterfly grew quite quickly after that, into what was anybody's guess . . .

************************************

For some reason, the world was taking its time letting her fall to her death. She looked to her left and saw a tall, handsome yet impossibly thin young man on a marvellous white horse.

           "Will you save me, mighty horseman?" she yelled across.

           The man stopped to think a moment, "NO," he answered.

           "Will you leave a poor maiden to die upon the wretched earth?" she tried again, desperate.

           The man again considered her question, "NO."

           "Then save meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

           The moment ended and all that Ruby saw was a red and white polka-dotted circle and then . . . the world ended.


	2. And The Saga Begins, Properly

A Discworld Mary Sue.

A/N: That ending of the first chapter wasn't that good, I admit. Poor Ruby, thinking she was falling to her death – but she wasn't of course. And yes, I am taking reviews so by pressing the button below, you won't offend me or anything, in fact, I'd be grateful if you did. I might even read some of _your_ stories…

I kind of took it for granted that you knew what a Mary Sue was but here is a quick and snappy explanation….

The common Mary Sue originated from the fandoms of Lord of the Rings: such as the "tenth" member of the fellowship or Elrond's "second" daughter. Mainly, they disrupt plots and character personifications twisting them into their own "perfect fantasy". Also classified as "evil" and many original fanfic writer's despise them.

Cool, got all that? Now, on with the story!!!!

*****************************************

Sprrrrrrrrooooiiiiiiiiiiiiing.

Ruby felt herself pause for a moment before being launched into the air again by a giant toadstool trampoline.

She screamed once more until she felt some strong muscular arms hauled her out of the air.

She rested her head against her rescuer's leather jacket, sighing happily, "Thank you so much, you saved my life," and promptly faked a faint.

She had time to notice then, a strong smell in the air and a hairy quality to the jacket she was leaning on. She also noticed that her feet were brushing the floor and her rescuer had a strange limping gait as he walked.

Squinting through her eyes she saw a large moony face loom above her . . .

"Gyaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!" she yelled and jumped out holding a threatening finger at the . . . a monkey?

"Please, lady, do not be alarmed, we mean you know harm!" someone squeaked.

"Errm yes, there is nothing to be afraid of, my dear!" another man piped up.

"Her? Afraid? I think you mean us, don't you Dean?"

"Shut up, she doesn't need to know that!"

Ruby started towards the huddle of voices.

"Sssh, look! She's coming towards us!"

"We're all going to die!"

"No, we are not going to die, now shut up!"

Ruby went closer, "You . . . you . . . err, why are you wearing dresses for?"

As one, the group of elderly men straightened considerably, "Young lady, these _dresses,_ as you call them, are called wizard's _robes_."

"Ah well, that explains it. Where am I?" she moved closer to the wizards and each of them caught a fruity scent mingle around them.

"Ahem, you are at the, ahem, Unseen University," said the one second row to the left, self-importantly. 

She blinked.

"In Ankh-Morpork," he continued.

She blinked.

"On err, Discworld?"

The silence that followed was so heavy that some of the older wizards collapsed.

"Discworld?" she said at last.

"Yes! On the Great Atuin!" the Bursar said, fervently.

"Bless you."

No, the Great Atuin!"

"Bless you again."

"What?" 

"You sneezed."

"No I didn't!"

"Yes, you did!" 

An inevitable argument began. Fortunately, the Bursar got close to Ruby . . . 

" My dear, your hair is so wavy and sassy that the gentle caress of the moonlight's sweet conditioner would only ruin the image of divinity in which your hair creates. Your eyes shine blue-grey, and glitter in the noon's rays. My soul is lost within the swirling depths of your deep, meaningful soul behind those sweet, luscious lips of thine…"

The rest of the wizard entourage stared at the Bursar in amazement. Why, that must have been the most words he had ever uttered without stumbling and tripping on the various consonants and conjunctions. Also, his vocabulary seemed to have increased.

" . . . the orbit of your hips, they elevate my soul! I'm losing self-control! Digging like a mole, now, digging down, excavation, I can find, in the sky, you make me feel like I can fly, so high, elevaSHUN! . . . " the Bursar had also seemingly developed a passion for singing.

Everyone except Ruby covered their ears and writhed on the floor in agony.

"Awww, your so sweet!" squeeed Ruby, clapping her hands in excitement.

Ridcully pulled the Bursar down by the leg and several other wizards piled on top of him but the little man seemed to have a super-human strength as he fought off those who sort to shut him up.

"My love . . . I shall fight and conwuer all for you!" shouted the Bursar.

The continuing struggle was soon turning to the Bursar's favour to the amazement of the onlooking and not so energetic wizards.

Ruby went to the window and spied the great Walls of the University. Longingly she gazed over the rooftops and into the Heart of Ankh-Morpork.

"How I wish I could pass those walls and walk among the people . . ." she sighed, longingly.

The Bursar immediately blasted the walls with an impossible amount of fire-power from his wand. The Bursar and the other wizards stared at the wand in amazement. 

"I've never ever seen that much power come about from a single wand . . . " murmured the Dean.

"Perhaps," ventured another wizard, "Perhaps she is a sourceror or maybe something of a witch . . . you never know what those witches can do."

They turned to Ruby . . . who had just flown off on the back of a winged unicorn.

_Hang on_, mused Ridcully, _we don't have any winged unicorns around here, I'm sure. How did she . . . ?_

Ruby urged the horse forward and jerked towards the streets of Ankh-Morpork.

********************************

Yeurk. I don't like this chapter… hopefully I'll improve from now on, though. Once I get a frickin plot going… no wait, Pratchett hardly ever has any plots, does he? Not until the end, anyway. 

Hmmm…


	3. Ripples of Disruption

A Discworld Mary Sue.  
  
A/N: After much deliberation, I have decided that this story must be continued. IN which direction I know not. Thank you to Elderberry especially for giving me a few outlets.  
  
*****************************************  
  
Landing elegantly she dismounted and stroked the winged horse's neck in thanks before it promptly vanished as she forgot about it.  
  
Looking around she saw a quite tall and manly guard standing to attention on the street corner. Sidling up to him, she began to talk.  
  
After an hour of talking to him she realized that she was getting no response whatsoever from him. Annoyed, her eyebrows furrowed in frustration and she tried to tear his eyes from the distance by trying to warm him up, he seemed quite cold . . . and hard for that matter.  
  
She poked the statue.  
  
"Miss?" asked a passing salesman.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Would milady like to have a look at these wonderful miniature statues? Since you obviously seem to be so taken by that one standing guard for us over there, I thought you'd like to see others of considerable delectabilitice."  
  
"Huh? Oooh! Those are pretty!" she grabbed at the statues that the man held in the tray about his neck, fingering them.  
  
"Would you like some?" his eyes glittered.  
  
"And who might you be?" she asked in return.  
  
"Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler or CMOT Dibbler as my friends all call me. You may call me Dibbles."  
  
She smiled graciously.  
  
"Do you have anymore of these?" she asked politely.  
  
"Of course! Many, many," he assured her, "Why, a whole warehouse in fact! Do you like them? I can give you them all with a discount! Now let's see . . ." his face twisted as he made some quick calculations.  
  
"Oh, no! I couldn't accept what a wonderful gift! And all of them? But sir!"  
  
"No, no, you see . . ."  
  
"Oh you're such a kind man! You there," she pointed to one of them passing by, "follow this man and take all the statues that he gives you and then return to my palace where you must set them up in patrols of 100, 10 men by 10 all lined up! You understand?"  
  
The man nodded and CMOT Dibbler, bewildered, took the man to his warehouse.  
  
Ruby wandered off on her way, often getting distracted by the many different sights and smells of this fantastical city.  
  
*****************************************  
  
Ridcully sat in his office, his fingers gently drumming the desk.  
  
Oh, Bursar had been pacified but he still spouted long-winded poetry every now and then, proceeding to ram his head into a nearby wall, door or floor.  
  
The dried frog pills hadn't worked, the man had gone mad. No one was even to mention the words "magic", "wand", or "blast" any where near him. He wasn't to be given any ideas.  
  
His wizard looked to his own wand. Watching it lie upon his desk, he sighed resignedly. He missed his wizard's staff. Ever since the maiden had arrived, all sorts of things were going wrong. The Librarian had shut himself in his room, or the library as it may be, refusing to let anyone near him. Near the door, some wizards had found discarded red hair. Ridcully shook his head.  
  
Rubbing his brow he watched the young wizard in front of me.  
  
"She would have died, you know," he said.  
  
"Exactly. I saved her life!" excited, the wizard did not notice the malice in his superior's eyes.  
  
"She should have died."  
  
". . ."  
  
"She was SUPPOSED TO DIE! YOU TWIT!" Ridcully lost his temper, which he rarely did, but nonetheless this was a rare time indeed.  
  
"But sir, a life is sacred and important. I'm a hero!"  
  
"You are a twit."  
  
Rincewind gave off an air of polite confusion.  
  
"We can't get rid of her now, you know! She's cheated certain death! Not just any old death, nooo . . . certain death."  
  
"But . . . everyone knows you can't cheat certain death." Rincewind whispered, horrified.  
  
"Yes, well. She did, and with your help too, twit!"  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"You got her stuck here, you get rid of her. Before she does any damage, goodness knows what these 'wand' things are going to do with us. And the flying horse?" Ridcully lowered his head into his hands.  
  
"I'll do that, then. Shall I, sir?" asked Rincewind.  
  
Ridcully waved his hand uselessly at the door.  
  
Rincewind tripped over his own robes in haste and made for the exit.  
  
"Gods help us," prayed the Archchancellor solemnly.  
  
*****************************************  
  
"Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure," murmured the Patrician sleepily as he was roused by a very harassed looking official.  
  
"Get up, sir." Said the official crossly.  
  
The Patrician stared at the man sleepily and yawned.  
  
The man coughed slightly and two burly men came up and manhandled the Patrician out of bed.  
  
"What's this?" the Patrician asked, his cold eyes searching the bureaucrat.  
  
Time passed and the Patrician was found sitting, rubbing his bottom and looking mightily unimpressed at the closed Palace doors behind him.  
  
"Princess!" he snorted. He had to see the wizards, they would have done this. They always did things like this. He felt his anger slowly mounting up and began to file it away for safe keeping.  
  
He wanted his palace back.  
  
*****************************************  
  
The Patrician was speaking Latin in his sleep, it meant: 'I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.' Heh heh . . . what? Well, at least I found it funny.  
  
Disclaimer: the above is the author's personal story and is not the story, opinion or policy of her employer or of the little green men that have been following her all day. 


	4. Palace Ponderings and Patrician Wanderin...

A Discworld Mary Sue.  
  
A/N: People have been requesting that I continue this and WHOA! LOOK AT THAT! *pokes screen disbelievingly* Haven't updated since October! *blinks* Well, I guess I should get round to this. Especially if some people are resorting to reading my other fics to only remind me in their reviews for me to update this . . . am thinking to write another Discworld fic, but it's hard to stay with Pratchett's awesome style. *shakes head* Well, then, on with the randomness!  
  
Ah yes, I almost forgot: Discworld does not belong to me - the books OR the game.  
  
Pfft. *grumbles*  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Ridcully was massaging his temples with his index fingers when the Patrician coughed politely from behind him.  
  
"Argh!" the Arch Chancellor turned quickly and tried to use the chair in a defensive manoeuvre but let it go when he saw it was Vetinari. That, and the fact that he'd never been able to pick the thing up in the first place.  
  
"My lord, what are you doing here? How . . ."  
  
Vetinari arched his eyebrow high as he noted the lines on Ridcully's face.  
  
"Oh come now, you remember my initial training?" Ridcully still looked in need of enlightenment, "Assassin?"  
  
"Where?" yelped the wizard.  
  
Vetinari sighed at the older man.  
  
"Oh right, well. Risky job, being a wizard and all . . . Climb up from outside, now did you?" Vetinari didn't bother himself to answer that. "I could in my younger days, but alas, I have grown older . . ."  
  
"Who is this princess?"  
  
"Is that what she's calling herself now?" murmured Ridcully to himself.  
  
Vetinari glared at the man.  
  
"You wizards have brought this 'girl' here, and look what she's done! Or undone, as it happens. The entire city I being decorated for some sort of celebration for her 'coronation'. She's got Dibley catering the entire thing!" Ridcully's eyes widened and his face greened visibly as he remembered his first Dibley 'sausage inna bun'. "You have a responsibility to remove her!"  
  
Ridcully cringed as the Patrician took his chair and sat down, leaning forward and placing his elbows against the desk with his fingers arching in a temple. The amn closed his eyes softly and rubbed the tips of his fingers against the bridge of his nose. The Patrician's cold eyes opened and seemed to pierce into Ridcully's conscience.  
  
"As it happens, someone is already on the case. Nothing to worry about," he assured.  
  
"Who?" the Patrician asked flatly.  
  
"Errr, a very respectable and dependable wizard in deed! Yes, a model wizard of the University! Nothing to worry about." Ridcully repeated himself to be sure.  
  
"It's Rincewind, isn't it?" sighed Vetinari despairingly.  
  
Ridcully nodded mournfully.  
  
"No one else would touch it. Have you seen what she did to the Bursar? The man's still going on about the moon and gold and pretty things . . . No wizard's prepared for that kind of embarrassment."  
  
"Very well, he's saved . . . well, came close to saving the city with that dragon business a while back. I'd send a few men along to keep an eye on him if I were you."  
  
"It eats them."  
  
"What?"  
  
"The men I send after him."  
  
"No, what eats them?"  
  
"His Luggage."  
  
"Ah. Sapient pearwood, isn't it? Very loyal, they are. Ah well, that should help keep him out of mischief."  
  
Ridcully nodded warily as Vetinari got up and moved to the window.  
  
"I'd appreciate it if this didn't go beyond this room. I'll try and get a few . . . hiccups to cross the damn girl's path but I'm a wanted traitor to the throne now."  
  
With that, the disposed leader swung out of the Arch Chancellor's presence to disappear into the city.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Rincewind ran down into the library.  
  
"Anything you've got on absurdly 'magical' young girls that can twist reality to their twisted little minds' delight," he yelled to the Libarian, tossing a banana to him as he went to a book and flipped madly though the pages.  
  
"Ook ook ook?"  
  
"Oh yes. But 'demonic' might be a bit much though."  
  
"Ook."  
  
"Don't get me wrong though, she's . . ." the wizard shuddered.  
  
"Ook ook," the Librarian said sympathetically over his shoulder as he clambered into the deeps of the library.  
  
A while later he returned, all except a missing tuft of hair off his right elbow.  
  
"Ook."  
  
The Librarian handed Rincewind a book. Rincewind turned to the first page.  
  
"Mary Sue?" he asked the Librarian.  
  
"Ook," the Librarian said shrugging.  
  
"I guess . . . but anything could turn up in L-Space."  
  
"Ook!" said the orangatan, jabbing at the book.  
  
"Alright, alright. If that's the only book . . ."  
  
Rincewind took it to a desk and sat down to read.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Meanwhile, the palace was having a major pink upheaval. Bloody Stupid Johnson had left an odd heart shaped plan for the gardens to be put in after the ten-foot trench. The 'princess' had discovered these to the dismay of the city's gardeners who were subjected to wading through a bog full of crocodiles and mosquitos to get to the site.  
  
Ruby was happily bouncing on the fluffy lavender pillows she'd put on her throne as they were doing this and was about to send in for her Advisor.  
  
The Advisor came stumbling in, quite unprepared. This was due to the rather unfortunate majority vote from the rest of the palace - he'd been newly employed into the position.  
  
"My l-l-lady . . ." he began nervously, he really didn't want to be in a room with a simple minded girl who could reduce you to a sack of pressed flowers singing something hideously upbeat with a single, simple thought.  
  
Ruby coughed discreetly and glared at the man who trembled in front of her.  
  
"Ah, Y-Y-Your Highness . . ." he amended.  
  
"Better. Continue, now."  
  
"I am to b-b-be your, ah, Advisor?"  
  
"You are the palace Advisor, are you not?" she demanded of him.  
  
"Yes?" his uncertainty bounced off the walls and knocked out the maid who was listening from behind the curtain.  
  
Ruby blinked at the man.  
  
"And?" she asked imperviously.  
  
The poor little man whimpered.  
  
"Advise US!!!" she screamed.  
  
"Us?" he asked perplexed. Uh oh, wrong question, he thought.  
  
"We are Royal, and so must we use the Royal We. Mustn't we?"  
  
The red faced cooks who were listening at the large ornate door at the end of the hall heard an echo and collapsed into helpless giggles.  
  
IThe Royal We . . . The Royal We . . . /I  
  
Ruby glowered at the air then glanced back down to her Advisor.  
  
"Y-Y-Your Ladyship," he began again.  
  
"We've gone through this before," she reminded him, flatly.  
  
"Your Highness, w-w-what do you w-w-wish for me to Advise you about?"  
  
She glared at him, masking the confusion that raced through her mind.  
  
"You are our Advisor, are you not?" she said.  
  
"Yes, Your Highness," seems to get easier as he went along, thought the man. But he should have known it wasn't going to be that easy.  
  
"Then Advise us what we should ask you to Advise us about!"  
  
The man nearly rolled his eyes at the girl's incompetence, but caught himself before the girl levelled him with a smiling stuffed bear (she found them cuter dead). The Lord Vetinari was never like this. At least their fear of him was justly justified.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Commander Vimes sat at his desk and stared at the palace out of his office window.  
  
His forefather had beheaded the last King, the last royal blood of Ankh Morpork. And up came another one. For him to finish off, he guessed sardonically.  
  
Carrot was finishing up his report.  
  
"I'm not sure how we can go about this, sir. But it looks we're in a right pickle, if you don't mind my saying so. Vetinari's not done anything technically wrong, but according to the Law, well . . ."  
  
Vimes nodded absently.  
  
"You're dismissed."  
  
"But sir?"  
  
"What is it, Carrot?" asked Vimes wearily. He was sick of all the blue blood everywhere.  
  
"Do we act on this? Can we justly go and hunt down the Patrician?"  
  
"Let's just say we'll . . . look out for him. And if you see him, you haven't."  
  
Carrot nodded and left for the common room.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Lord Vetinari listened to this with interest, but then dismissed it. He'd been worried about the young Corporal but Vimes had kept him in hand and would continue to, hopefully.  
  
He'd considered holing up at a relatives but dismissed the idea before even trying to remember any of them. They'd sell him to the princess in a second.  
  
Where could he go? The palace was too obvious. Everyone tries to hide where they're least likely to look for you. The girl would work that out soon enough.  
  
She was a slippery one, she was. She bent people around to her will and had some sort of precognition on. The assassins he'd asked to get rid of her had failed miserably. She'd bend over or, water the plant instead of drinking the damnable poison. Why wouldn't she die?  
  
Vetinari thought back to when he'd dropped by on Rincewind - not that he'd noticed, of course - he had muttered about the girl and certain death and something . . .  
  
This did not bode well.  
  
He leapt up to the roof and surveyed Ankh-Morpork. She couldn't have penetrated the Shades yet, surely? He made his way slowly across the rooftops and dropped into the shadows of the Shades.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
A/N: Hmm, well. Good enough for you all? Hope it is. Not quite as random as I'd hoped but ah wells. A bit of plot development should be good for it. I should honestly be writing a Lotr fic cos I just saw Rotk today (it came out late in Australia so I saw it on it's opening day - no one tease me :( ). Hmm, will try to post this tonight but may be hard. Perhaps tomorrow.  
  
Am off to finish off chapter of a Lotr Fic now. Knowing me however, I'll probably start playing a game of Hearts of AOE II instead. *sigh* 


	5. Noise and WHAT IN THE DUNGEON DIMENSIONS...

Disclaimer: Discworld is funny, Discworld is cute, but ownership is something that I must refute.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Rincewind flicked over the last few pages of the book, closed it with a definitive shut. He looked up and found a candle lit next to him he looked out the window to the moon that shone softly through the glass.  
  
He blinked once, twice and then rubbed his eyes.  
  
The moon was HUGE  
  
Then he heard a sound.  
  
It sounded like a warble.  
  
But with a little something that seemed to scream upbeat.  
  
He shook his head to dislodge the whine.  
  
It didn't work.  
  
He looked up, puzzled, to see the Librarian banging his head hopelessly against one of the bookshelves. The bookshelf itself had books that jumped up and down violently. The papers rustled and acted jittery. Rincewind rubbed his eyes again and then cleaned out his ears for good measure.  
  
For a moment he listened carefully. And then his face crumpled. His body jerked uncontrollably into a foetal position.  
  
His eyes rolled into the back of his head and his mouth opened to let out a moan . . . His hands scrabbled for something to stick in his ears to block out the noise.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Well, I will go down with this shiiip  
  
And I won't put my hands up and surrendeerrrrr  
  
There will be NO white flag above MY door  
  
I'm in lurrrrve and always will beeeeee!!!!"  
  
This was the 'noise' that Rincewind and the rest of Ankh-Morpork was trying to dispel from their ears. It grated like nails against a blackboard. It shredded their eardrums to something pink and unhealthily akin to a hair ribbon.  
  
The chords of Dido were being mutated into something terrorizing. Not unlike Godzilla or the trolley's of old. This mutation reared it's head and roared. . .  
  
No wait . . .  
  
Hang on.  
  
The young girl under Carrot's window looked towards the manifestation.  
  
"Yes?" she asked imperviously.  
  
The thing roared its displeasure.  
  
Princess Ruby, however, seemed unfazed and tilted her head to the side.  
  
"Are you quite finished? I've got some serenading to do, you know."  
  
The fiend stopped mid-roar confused with the girl below. She wasn't running away. This was a new development. It was getting angry with this. The girl should be running away screaming. He liked screams.  
  
The girl seemed to be tapping her foot impatiently.  
  
"Wizaaaaaaaard!!!!!" she yelled. The population of Ankh-Morpork shuddered and tried to dig themselves deeper into the river's gmuck.  
  
Reg Shoe took note of this strange development and wrote down a few notes before scampering off to run off some flyers and petitions for the new princess. Then he came back to check the princess' speech bubble, his mouth clearly mouthing some numbers . . . Nodding to himself, he was ready to go back and report.  
  
The Bursar hurried forward anxiously.  
  
"Your highness! Mayeth I spake on how breathtaking thou art this evening? The moon, in its rather corpulent sizeth can holdeth no candle to thy beauty! Forsooth, methinks they . . ."  
  
"Whatever, sweetie," the girl said, "Just get rid of this thing, ok?  
  
The Bursar nodded quickly and literally skipped up to the beast that was still staring at the girl in confusion, trying to decide whether it was too stupid to run or actually was a threat.  
  
The Bursar lifted his wand.  
  
"Bibbidi . . . Bobbidi . . . Boo!"  
  
The beast seemed ready to sneer at the little man who was trying to send him back to the Dungeons Dimension. They could have at least tried doing the dispelling spell properly. He wasn't going to let ANYONE get in the way between him and revenge on the girl who had disturbed slumber . . .  
  
Its rapidly downsizing and turning a bright shade of orange disrupted this thought.  
  
The Bursar looked with pride on his work for a moment before turning quickly and bowing extravagantly to his mistress.  
  
"Please grace us, my lady," he said courteously.  
  
She gave an impervious sniff before turning back to the window.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Angua was meanwhile trying to hold Carrot down. He was writhing in agony but at the same time, straining for the window.  
  
"Angua . . . help me. She calls me. She knows," his eyes widened as his legs tried to push away from Angua and his arms held her tight around the neck.  
  
Angua gave a grunt of superhuman effort (being more than a human, of course) and threw Carrot over her shoulder. The screeches had stopped for a moment and she could hear the Princess yelling for her wizard. Immediately, she headed for the door with her quarry and ran down the streets.  
  
Where could she go? Where would the Princess not go?  
  
There was only one answer, though she hated to admit it.  
  
She turned south and headed for the Shades.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Susan Sto-Helit had had quite enough. The squealing had gone on through the night and was now disrupting her class.  
  
The children looked to her from under their desks.  
  
"This may not be an earthquake," she said, "But close enough. I'll be right back."  
  
Moving next door, she told the teacher in the next classroom to keep an eye on her own class before marching purposefully towards the high-pitched yells.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Ruby was not pleased by the fact that her true love had been stolen away from her by the werewolf that seduced every man she met. How dare that wolf take her man!  
  
Ruby's brow furrowed as she tried to think of something . . .  
  
She was nudged in the knees by a strangely large bloodhound. After berating it for making her lose her posture she promptly sent it after the werewolf and her husband to be. She sent with express instructions to mangle the werewolf no matter what. Somehow the bloodhound understood this through sheer terror of being summoned from nothing into Ruby's presence and bounded off into the dankness of Ankh Morpork.  
  
Satisfied her quarry would be caught, albeit bloodied, Ruby still felt slightly slighted by the man she had chosen to be hers.  
  
She had heard him scream "Don't let her get me!" and had ignored it at first. But this new development changed things completely.  
  
She sighed. She would just have to find a play thing to satisfy her until the man was caught and could be suitably punished.  
  
She grinned as she remembered the Horseman.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Only minutes later, she found herself confronted with a rather ugly picture.  
  
Not a picture as such, more of what could have been a portrait in real life but nonetheless ugly.  
  
Her bony old grandfather was sitting on the Ankh Morpork throne, looking rather bored out of his skull, as it were. But it was not he who made the scene so indescribably ugly and cringeworthy.  
  
The girl on his knee was . . .  
  
Susan let a tremble run through her body.  
  
At that, Death noticed her and with the girl still bouncing on his lap, made wide sweeping "Get out of here" gestures.  
  
The girl didn't notice. She was having too much . . . well, it certainly was not what you would call fun but it may have been something slightly more perverse for her.  
  
Susan fumed, caught alight and put herself out before she took a step forward.  
  
But then took a step back as the girl abruptly stopped, leapt down from the skeleton's legs and scurried out a side door.  
  
"Grandfather!" she hissed.  
  
"SUSAN" he stated.  
  
Susan ran up to him, furious. About to abate him, she had to stop as her grandfather let out a barrage of words.  
  
"BEFORE YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD SUSAN. I MUST TELL YOU THAT THIS IS NO MERE HUMAN NOR MORTAL."  
  
"What do you mean? She just . . ." Susan shuddered. Let's all remember that it takes a lot to make this woman shudder and the mental scarring she had just undergone counts towards this. But let's not dwell on that. There are far worse things that could have happened. Or will.  
  
"SHE CHEATED CERTAIN DEATH. YOU MUST LEAVE BEFORE SHE COMES BACK. I AM TRAPPED HERE SINCE SHE PEFORMED THE RITE OF ASHKENTE."  
  
"But that's not right . . . she can't!"  
  
"SHE DID. AND SHE WILL DO WORSE TO YOU IF SHE CATCHES YOU. YOU MUST FIND COUNSEL WITH THE WIZARDS IN THIS . . . "  
  
Susan snorted.  
  
"DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THEM. YOU MUST FIND OUT A WAY TO RID THIS WORD OF HER."  
  
"What is she?"  
  
"I HAVE HEARD OF HER ONLY ONCE BEFORE . . . OR AFTER" he admitted, "SHE IS THE MARY SUE."  
  
Susan blinked but then left quickly as she heard footsteps.  
  
Death sat forlornly on the throne of Ankh Morpork as Ruby returned to perform something she had found in a book in the library.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
*cringes* Argh! That was horrible! But have no fear. She WILL suffer pain. Lots of pain . . . 


End file.
